Redemption After Reeling

Wherever my story takes me, however dark and difficult the theme, there is always some hope and redemption, not because readers like happy endings, but because I am an optimist at heart. I know the sun will rise in the morning, that there is a light at the end of every tunnel.

–Michael Morpurgo

When I was young, I used to think that adults were perfect human beings. I truly believed that adults did not lie, cheat or steal because I thought that these were imperfections, which we all grew out of.

How wrong I was. 

It was not until I became an adult and witnessed, was impacted by or was the doer of the lying, cheating and stealing that I had realized the error in my naive thoughts.

There is no black and white in this world. 

There are no good people and bad people; we are all flawed, we all make mistakes and we all commit harms. 

And it’s okay that we do, really, it is. 

We all have (many) moments of our lives that we desperately wish we could take back and do again because we so desperately wish that they were not a part of the story of who we are.

We wish we were created from only the best and most beautiful moments of our lives, but the moments in which we do abhorrent and unforgivable things also defines who we are. 

And it’s okay, really, it is, because those are the opportunities for growth. 

At our lowest points in life, nothing seems attainable. It seems that this terrible state we are in is a state of permanence. 

How can we ever recover?

How can we ever go back?

How can we ever go forward?

Pain, humiliation, fear, and regret love our attention and want nothing more, but for us to live and wallow in the mistakes of yesterday for the rest of time. They feed off of us, and the more attention we give them, the stronger their holds on our psyche. 

There have been many times in my life where I prayed that I could turn back the wheel of time. I would have given anything to be able to go back and have a redo. I would have given years of my life, just for those fleeting moments where the failure formulated to be back in my control. 

It has yet to happen. 

I have yet to travel back in time to correct past wrongs, but I have tried my best to learn from them. 

Learn from them, you can, even while you grieve the failures, hang your head in shame in the memory of them, and lament the mistakes of the past? Yes, I still do all of this as well.

But I have never given up either.

No matter how many times I have been knocked down, by my own personal setback(s) or others, I have never remained in that fetal position (permanently). Sometimes, I have stayed down for a long time, perhaps weeks or months, and other times, I was much more resilient and it only took a sheer number of hours to recuperate. Somehow, someway, I always end up back on my feet, moving forward, no matter how much I fear, loath, or hate what is ahead.

I cannot stay with the devil I know for fear of the devil I do not because I want a life with no devil on my shoulder at all. 

The best thing I have learned, from my brilliant, bodacious, bountiful blunders of the past is that you can redeem yourself.

You redeem yourself by choosing not to be that person anymore.

You redeem yourself, not by proving to others that you have changed, bettered, or grown, but by understanding that the only approval you are seeking is the solace of yourself.

True redemption is going to bed at night, with the full, absolute knowledge that you have hurt others, made irreversible mistakes and have had self-created hardships, which will never be erased from your story, but you have chosen to grow from them. 

You have chosen to see your scars as tattoos of your tale, which explain how you have become the person you are today.

Do you wish that you did not have to go through so much to get to where you are? Of course, we all wish our life path was just a little less bumpy, but we never really know which exact bump it was, which was the catalyst into making us who we are today.

Forgive yourself from your reeling past and your road to redemption will start right away.